Yesterday, in honor of Sarah Laurel's arrival in this world, I started writing down my 10 tips on successful parenting. Here are the next 4 tips:
3. Treat your children with respect. A successful relationship has 5 times as many positive interactions as negative. So say please and thank you. Make requests instead of giving orders. "I want you to pick up your toys" has a completely different meaning than "Pick up your toys! " If they refuse, insist - stay polite, but don't take 'No' for an answer. If they continue to refuse, you can offer them (and give them) a time out or a consequence. How you talk to your children (and your partner) speaks worlds about how you feel about them. If you tell your son he's a bad boy, he'll start to believe it, and act accordingly.
4. Focus on what you want, not on what you don't want. If your child is standing in an open doorway, letting in lots of cold air, say "Come in"! He knows immediately what to do. Yelling "Don't stand in the doorway!" tells the child something is wrong, but not how to fix the problem. He will probably just stand there, unable to figure out what to do! Telling your kids not to play on the street focuses their attention on the street -- which inevitably leads to their playing there!
5. Children want to cooperate - even though they need reminding sometimes. They need their parents to feed them, clothe them, teach them and protect them. This makes children genetically predisposed to cooperate. Sometimes they forget, get tired, get worked up or just don't respond to you. In this case, they need a time out - some time by themselves to calm down and remember how important cooperation is. A time out is not punishment - it's just a cooling off period. As soon as they are ready to cooperate, they can rejoin the family. (But only if they are really ready to cooperate. Otherwise the time out continues). Welcome them with open arms and a hug. As time passes, the kids will need fewer time outs, because they are better at cooperating.
6. Children want attention. Loving attention is better than hostile attention, but even hostile attention is better than no attention at all! So take some time each day and give your kids your undivided attention. If you don't, they'll demand it from you anyway, even if it means getting time outs, consequences or worse. So read them a story, go out with them for a walk, play ball, whatever. You'll all be happier for it.
Tomorrow we'll tackle crime and punishment...